Deathmask vs Mephisto
by Strausser
Summary: Humor, a bit of yaoiness, homophobia, and a surprise ending! For all those who love Deathmask and hate Mephisto.


_Disclaimer_: I own not Saint Seiya. It is owned by the wonderful Kurumada Masami-sensei. Mephisto is owned by VIZ? Eh, they can keep him.  
_Warnings_: foul language, yaoi references, homophobia

On a day where the sun was high, the sky was blue, and the winds were breezy, Cancer Deathmask stood with wide eyes staring with utter disbelief at the figure before him. Blinking did not dispel the illusion, for an illusion was all it could be. How in Athena's holy name could he be staring at a spitting image of himself, complete in Golden Cancer Cloth, same expression on the same face with the same body in the same stance?

Somebody was playing a cruel joke on him. It was probably all Milo's fault.

"Who the fuck are you?" screamed Deathmask across the distance. They stood on the flat patch of land that separated the Sagittarius temple from the Capricorn temple, where Deathmask had been traveling to meet Shura and Aphrodite for lunch. This newcomer, whoever he was, flew thoughts of food right out of Deathmask's brain, with only questions in their place.

"I am the Saint of the Gold Cancer Cloth! Who are you?"

Deathmask clenched his teeth. "I am the Saint of the Gold Cancer Cloth!"

The twin smirked. "Then where is your Cloth?"

With a growl, Deathmask called his Cloth to him. The Cancer Cloth flew from the Cancer temple, shined in it's constellation form for a moment in the sunlight before breaking apart and fitting itself over Deathmask's body. He smirked at the wanna-be and chuckled. "Satisfied?"

The other growled, but then grinned with the patented Cancer cruelty. "Nice trick. How about I show you my trick and turn you into a death mask!" He lifted his finger in the air. Cosmos flowed from the tip.

"Can't turn me into what I already am!"

The doppelganger adopted a confused look. "Huh?"

"Deathmask. It's my name."

The twin blinked, then laughed. "And I suppose your mommy gave you that name?"

"Actually I picked that name myself."

"That's stupid."

"Oh, yeah? Then what's your name?"

"I am Cancer Mephisto!" The wanna-be proudly puffed out his chest.

Deathmask crooked his lips up. "Like the opera?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, like the book, right?"

"Stop that! You aren't making any sense!"

"Or like the movie?"

"Shut up!"

"I'd rather be named 'Deathmask' than 'Devil' any day."

"Listen you! Stop talking nonsense right now! My name is Mephisto! It's the coolest name in the world!"

Deathmask struggled not to laugh at his doppelganger's lack of knowledge. Guess only one of them could be the smart, worldly one. "Listen, Fisty, there's only room for one Cancer Saint in this Sanctuary, so go back to whatever hole you crawled out of before I decide to forgo any kindness and send you to the world of the dead."

"Is that supposed to be a threat? Ha ha ha! I thrive in the world of the dead! Let's see how well you survive, Mask-o!" The patented Cancer smirk appeared on that face, eyes glittered with the joy of the fight.

Deathmask felt a little impressed that the wanna-be could emulate his exact facial expressions. "Fine with me. I have nothing better to do." He smirked, then raised his finger.

"Sekishiki Mei Kai Ha!"

"Piled Corpse Hades Wave!"

(said in unison)

Both stopped their insanely intense Cosmos.

"Hey, aren't you speaking Italian?" asked Mephisto.

"Yeah, so?"

"So why is your ultimate attack in Japanese?"

Deathmask pulled a confused expression. "Ya know, I never thought of that." He was also surprised that this stupid copy could understand both Italian and Japanese, when he was clearly speaking English. He sighed, finding this whole experience exasperating. "Listen, Fist-boy, I'm not in the mood to fight with you, so just go away. I have better things to do with my time than be annoyed by you."

"You son of a monkey!" cried Mephisto, clearly not willing to end the fight and go home.

"Do you really want me to send you to Hades?"

"Not if I send you there first!"

"You really wanna take on Zelos?"

"Who's Zelos?"

Deathmask smirked. "Perhaps we **should** go to Hades."

"Let's go right now, ceramic face plate!"

"Loser!"

"I am not a loser! I'm a winner!"

"You lost the bet!"

"What bet?"

Just then he felt the Cosmos of the two he was planning to meet. Aphrodite joined him on the right, Shura on the left.

"Ooh," began Aphrodite with a twinkle in his eye. "You look so sexy in your Cloth." He ran a finger down the breastplate of the Cancer Cloth. "What's the occasion?"

Deathmask pointed a finger at his doppelganger.

"Ooh!" Aphrodite's eyes sparkled more. "There are two of you! One for me and one for Shura!"

Deathmask grinned at Mephisto. "So which one of these guys do you wanna get reamed by? This one?" He thumbed Aphrodite. "Or this one?" He thumbed Shura.

Mephisto's eyes grew so wide they nearly popped from his skull. "What? That's disgusting! That goes against my wholesome religious values!"

"But we're supposed to have sex with men," said Aphrodite with a pout.

"You all make me sick!" cried Mephisto. "The world should destroy degenerates like you!"

"He's not very nice," said Aphrodite.

"I like girls!" cried Mephisto with a panicked voice. "I like feeling those up things and those down things and all the things in-between."

"What is this, a PG movie?" asked Aphrodite.

"He needs a vocabulary transplant," stated Shura.

"Listen, fucknut, just go away. I'm sick of looking at a clone with half a brain."

"Don't call me that, you **homosexual**, my name is Mephisto! Get it right!"

Aphrodite jumped with a smile. "Like the opera, or the book, or the movie?"

"Will you unnaturals stop talking nonsense? My name is unique!"

Shura shook his head. "I was never fond of 'Faust'."

Aphrodite kept going. "Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love!"

"What crazy stuff are you spewing now, girly?!"

"Okay, this guy has really got to go." Deathmask had just about enough of this imposter. "Dite, Shura, would you help me?"

"With pleasure." Aphrodite called upon his Pisces Cloth.

Shura called upon his Capricorn Cloth.

Mephisto's eyes widened with fear.

"_Bloody Rose!_"

"_Excalibur!_"

Before the imposter, clone, doppelganger, whatever could retaliate, the two attacks hit him simultaneously, sending him disintegrating into particles that were never to be seen again.

"I'm glad that's over," said Deathmask with relief. "I hope it never happens again." He smiled his patented mischief smile at his two friends. "I'd like to eat, fuck and take a nap in that order. This stupid ordeal got me tired."

Aphrodite pat him on the shoulder. "Aww, you poor baby."

"Who would name themselves 'Mephisto'?"

Shura smiled. "It is a good name for the devil incarnate." He touched Deathmask on the shoulder.

"If you ever call me that, I will send you to Hades without a moment's notice."

Shura tried to hide his chuckle. "Duly noted."

As they walked toward the Capricorn temple, Aphrodite asked, "What do you think happened to him?"

"Who knows, who cares," answered Deathmask. "Just as long as he's not **here**, life is good."

The other two nodded once in agreement.

---

Mephisto's wide eyes surveyed the scenery. He was no longer in Sanctuary, but in the land between the world of the living and the world of the dead. Souls paraded in lines towards the mouth of the Yomotsuhirasaka. Wait, did that mean he was dead? He pat his chest that still bore the Gold Cancer Cloth. Nope, not dead. Not yet, anyway.

He smirked. Those homo-putzes really thought they could defeat him, the great Cancer Mephisto! Ha! He'd show them! Just as soon as he got away from this place!

"Ahh, Deathmask, what an unexpected surprise."

Mephisto looked left, then right, saw no one, then finally looked down to see a man with bug eyes and bucked teeth, on his hands and feet in a stance resembling that of a frog. He glared at the man with a fiery expression.

"My name is Mephisto, not Deathmask."

The man on the ground chuckled, an eerie sound like nails on a chalkboard. "So you are not Deathmask you say?"

"No! And I would never want to be."

Again the laughter. "Good." The bug eyes narrowed. "Then you belong to me."

Mephisto tried to laugh it off, but there was fear coiled in his gut. Something in the way those eyes were glaring at him, like they were eating him from the inside-out, disturbed him in a way nothing in his life ever had. He adopted a fighter's stance, ready to take on the little man. "Over my dead body!" he shouted.

"That can be arranged."

"Cosmic Marionettion!"

Mephisto found himself unable to move, tied with strings he felt but could not see.

"Thank you, Lord Minos," said the bug-eyed one.

"Whatever," replied a second man with long, white hair. "I was bored."

Mephisto stared at the buck-toothed one with wide eyes, slowly coming to a realization about what he saw in those eyes. When those thin lips on that giant mouth were licked, he **knew** what was going to happen. He struggled to no avail, and when the man on the ground leapt up and landed with knees at his waist and arms around his neck, he panicked.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!"

owari  
07-06-2007


End file.
